You ever have so much junk spinning around in your brain that you can’t think straight enough to even begin to convey anything coherent? As good a writer as people think I am, I just have not been able to find the words to explain how confused and overwhelmed I feel by life right now.
I read the comments and emails sent to me and I just have not been able to find it in myself to answer them. While I feel honored to still hear from people every day who tell me they’ve been moved by something I wrote in the past, it’s like they’ve written to this whole other person that I used to be, but I’m just not her anymore. I know there are people out there, both near and far, who sincerely care for me – and despite the fact that I do not personally respond sometimes, I am deeply touched by their concern.
So I’m going to try to be better about at least keeping up with this blog a little more frequently anyway…and then get on to answering more personal emails.
It’s hard to believe I’ve been “settled” in Austin for over 2 years now when my original intent was to be here for the birth of my granddaughter’s twins and then take off again.
So many life changes since then have affected me in many different ways. I have so fallen in love with those girls that it’s hard to imagine not seeing them on a regular basis to watch how much they’ve grown and changed.
Then my youngest daughter moved here with her now 3 year old from California and it was so wonderful to get to know Anna – I’d only seen her one other time since she was born. We are the light of each other’s lives and when she calls her “Ammaw” and tells me she loves me, my heart just melts. And of course just getting to spend so much time with both my daughters in one place at the same time has been a much needed added bonus.
I’ve often heard from people who tell me they’d love to travel like I do, but they just couldn’t leave their loved ones (particularly grandkids) to fulltime RV. While I understood the sentiment, I also maintained that after raising your kids as best you could, you just can’t continue to live your life for them and at some point, it was your rightful turn to live your life how you really wanted to just for yourself. But I understand the alternate position a lot better now – and that has led to a lot of conflict in my heart and mind.
As always, I come back to profound appreciation that I started fulltiming when I did in 2001. Even if I never travel again, I’ve packed a lot of incredible memories into the last 9 years with no regrets for leaving when I did, as difficult as that was at the time.
So I’ve been going through all the scenarios and possibilities available to me now. Mounting RV repair bills started me wondering whether to trade it in on something newer. Research finally showed that wouldn’t be the best course.
When my tenant didn’t renew the lease on my duplex, I thought maybe it was time to hang up the motorhome keys and move back in next door to my mom. Her advancing age and diminished capabilities made me wonder if that wouldn’t be best for everyone.
But the thought of never having the opportunity to drive off in my rolling home and never to see the rest of my “must-sees” did not set well in my gut at all and I know for sure I’m not ready to make that final decision at this point.
My virtual assistant work is going really well and I continue to be so thankful that I can work from home, wherever my home may be at the time.
My oldest daughter moved into the duplex and will be able to help mom more, a blessing for us all.
So at this point the furthest I’ve been able to plan is to make it to Michigan this summer as I had planned to last summer. While my mom and I have taken a short trip to New Orleans for a family celebration in August, I’ve really missed longer trips on my own timeframe. Until then, I want to make shorter trips including the kids and grandkids to the zoo, some Texas state parks, etc.
That’s about as much as I can go into right now. Again I apologize to those I have not personally answered. I’ve made it a goal to try to be more communicative – sort of a pre-New Years Eve resolution, so we’ll see how that goes…