That’s the diagnosis I’ve given myself to explain how poor I’ve been feeling. Disconnected but yet not off the hook – that’s how I feel about my relationship with God and everyone else. Where are you, Father – how dare you abandon me at the worst possible time in my life? I used to be so aware of your presence and power in my life. I used to feel blessed and brave. Now I feel cursed and cowardly. Alone – that’s how alone I feel no matter that I know intellectually that I am loved by any number of family and friends.
No matter that I know the wisdom of the words from one of my cyber friends, Naif, “Have you ever considered it’s probably just your perception? What if you had a different perception and everything was as it is now. Would you still be frustrated?”
What a deep and thought provoking question. And of course I know it’s just my warped perception. I totally understand that my point of view is what dictates how I feel or react to any situation no matter if judged good or bad. But that doesn’t change the warped-up-ness of it all.
No matter that I totally understand that my circumstances are not nearly as bad as a lot of other people. Things could be worse – so what? That still doesn’t bring me any measure of peace or acceptance of these circumstances.
I hope that by purging these feelings, putting them in words and throwing them out into cyberspace will help the release and healing process.
I have felt the despair getting stronger, and I’ve never felt helped by traditional therapy or antidepressants, so I thought I’d seek the help of a “faith healer” someone once told me about. I thought if I could regain my faith, the rest would surely be at least helped.
He wrote one of the most powerful statements and reasons for existence I have ever read:
“I exist to see reality for what it is.
I exist to gain the knowledge and the vision that the universe is made up of nothing but love and there is nothing separate from anything else.
I exist to rise up to a new level of consciousness where the heart opens and love overcomes my senses as thought transforms to a creative power flowing freely in its manifestations.
I exist to know myself as I really am, unattached and unperturbed by the drama of life.
My experience, my healing, has prepared me for something grand to occur in my life and I welcome it with an open heart and open arms.”
I was not sure how to put into words what I want from Francis or any healer, but Colin put it all in a nutshell. His perception is the existence I want to feel in my reality.
This morning the first thought I had when I woke up was to look up where the Science of Mind (now called Center for Spiritual Living) church was in Austin. I don’t know how to explain this, because when I checked it out years ago, they were too far north for me to want to drive. I’d been to Unity services and they are close by, but that’s not where I thought to go this morning. Even though I found out they had moved to a closer location to me now, I still really didn’t feel like getting up and getting dressed and I would have to rush to make it.
But when I read the subject of the message today, I could not make any more excuses. I told my daughter just yesterday that what really bothers me is that I feel like some kind of a dual personality. Like a puppet in the middle of a demon on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I’m either crying with compassion and love for my mother and for the loss of her I already feel, or I am resentful of all the time and energy it takes to care for her and I get so tired of having to explain the same stuff to her over and over and over again. Mostly I just feel unequipped for this task and generally overwhelmed, even though I’m not her sole caretaker and she is in good hands in a great facility.
So here’s the listed topic of today’s message:
“Be Who You Really Are. Some have said that our nature is two-sided. On the one side are the creative, loving and nurturing qualities that support full expression. On the other is our human frailty driven by fear, lack and limitation, which fosters a sense of separation and isolation…”
So, okay, no denying that was definitely tailor made for me, so I made it to the service. After sitting there for just a few minutes before anything began, I felt like I was going to start crying, really for no particular reason at the time. I was just getting ready to get out of there when a woman came and sat down next to me and introduced herself (Glenda). She was a “practitioner” at the church and something about her demeanor broke the wall of tears and they just flowed out. She soothed me, assuring me that crying was perfectly reasonable and natural, so I could sit there and ended up really enjoyed the music of Kit Holmes and the message.
Today they were also having a potluck lunch followed by a 2 hour workshop by the practitioners.
“The purpose of the workshop is to provide you with the useful tool of affirmative prayer (spiritual mind treatment) to encourage you to become profoundly engaged in the exploration of your spiritual nature…”
Yep, I’ll have some of that, too. A little spiritual nature to temper some of the horrible, carnal thoughts I’ve been having, please.
So during the potluck, Glenda introduced me to another practitioner, Stephanie, who is also caring for a mother with Alzheimer’s. I was amazed at how easy it was to talk to her and how she seemed to relate to everything I said, even when I confessed how guilty I feel about some of the thoughts I carry, without a trace of judgment or condemnation.
I wish I could look at this circumstance in mine and my mom’s life as some type of grand opportunity and blessing to get closer before she dies. Sorry, I just don’t feel that way most of the time and now most of the time I feel guilty because I don’t.
But at this moment I am at peace. I was gifted with a day of being reminded of a higher force and purpose. I was strongly hugged by people who really seemed to care about my well-being even though they were strangers. They helped remind me of the connection that we all have and that truly none of us are or ever could be strangers.
I will strive to maintain that peace tomorrow when I talk to my mom, her case manager and physical and occupational therapists. Mom is pretty miserable with her life at the moment and sometimes the things she says are so hurtful.
God help me be the love I want to be and grant me the strength to go through this journey with her with patient loving kindness. Help me to be an instrument of your peace…
Above posted on Facebook 12/5/10 (read comments there)