When I came across this journal from a woman who seems to be about the same age and smoked as long as I did, I wound up copying 10 pages so I could go back and re-read whenever I felt like I just couldn’t hold out one more day.  She puts it in words that I couldn’t improve on and she gave me permission to post it here.

I know it’s long and many people won’t be interested in this, but it really helped me so I wanted not only to have it easily accessible here for myself, but also to help anyone else who might stumble upon this, thinking they’re the only one with incredibly “crazy” thoughts about smoking and giving it up.

Thanks, Sterling – it really does help to have people like you pave the way and prove it can be done – no matter how long or how many you smoked!

Malia

Sterling Hill (sterhill) – quit 2/1/2007

From her Profile page:

I smoked for 45 years – I still can not believe that. I was up to two packs a day and wanted more. I had a terrible cough (oh no, I`m fine – it`s just my allergies acting up). Totally in denial about what smoking was doing to me.

Her post on ONE YEAR FREE!

We all learned to wrap that big cloud of numbing smoke around us. Without it we were exposed. Raw. Hurting. Not knowing how to cope with life`s sharp teeth. Before – from a flat tire to a death of a loved one – we could take that deep drag and blot it all out. For a few minutes anyway. We celebrated real victories and little events with a smoke. We were bored and lit up and coasted for a few minutes. Everything was made better – or so we thought – with the cigarettes.

We became ostracized – nobody wanted us to smoke on planes/in hotels or restaurants or bars or even outside. The price kept going up and up and up and the governments were raking it in and grinning at the same time they were passing laws to cut off our ability to smoke anywhere. Huddled in the cold outside with people glaring at us and them moving us further and further from the doorways. And we saw our parents/brothers/friends/co-workers sick or dying. Maybe we became sick. Or just felt the toxic effects of this poison beginning to take root in our bodies. Maybe you were getting short of breath. Or your children were terrified you would die and leave them alone. And the `lying skanky big tobacco drug lord monkey butts` (lvista) had you convinced you could never, ever break those chains. Ever! Grinning evil death!

Your life would be empty without your `little friends`. I hate these people. Some say: well, you did it to yourself! But I did not know I was getting addicted in 1962. Did you know this is addiction? But day by day, sometimes minute by minute, you can get through this long, cold, dark tunnel and if you just keep going – day by day or minute by minute – you will leave those chains of addiction behind and come out into the brilliant sunshine. I swear this to you.

Thanks to the Q, I know addiction means never, NEVER taking in again that offending substance. Know this in your heart and do not trust your lying, addicted brain and you will be free forever. Sterling 45 years of smoking – now one year free! – Over 15,000 NOT smoked.

My favorite of Sterling’s journal entries as she went through her quit and stay quit journey:

2/5/2007 My quit date – Feb. 1, 2007
I am now 4 days plus into my quit and doing well on the Chantix. I was up to smoking 2 packs a day and smoked for 45 years. That sentence is hard for me to believe and I lived it.  I still crave but I will not want a cigarette.

The one that helps me most and it is hard to explain – is that you have to learn to NOT WANT another cigarette. As long as you want them, but keep denying yourself, you’ll feel bad, you’ll get discouraged and you’ll give in.

OK – you say – not wanting is not possible. But it is. Your brain can put anything into any perspective you like. Understand that when you crave, you are NEEDING to feed the nicotine addiction. Your body has been taught to expect this. But can you say that the reason you will stand outside in the cold and rain and smoke a cigarette – that NOBODY will let you light inside where they are – is because of pleasure? Or to relieve the NEED to smoke?

So understand that it is an addiction that feeds itself. Every smoke you light makes you need (not want) another. The only thing you WANT is relief from the crave. So stop and the craves get less and less (though hard at first) or keep smoking and the craves will be every 20 or 30 minutes. Plus expense. Plus disease. Plus being a pariah. Plus, plus. plus….

2/9/2007  Still want to pick up my pack and my lighter when I leave a room.

I went to the Southeastern Flower Show and as we entered the huge lobby of glass and steel, I found the lizard part of my brain frantically searching for any signs of outside smoking areas – to file this information away for ‘when needed’. I had to laugh out loud. Before the Quit, this would have been a real need and I would have cringed to tell my garden club friends that ‘yes, really, I do smoke’ and would have had to creep away by myself, periodically, hoping to even FIND any smoking areas outside.

2/17/2007  On day 17 – I have heard how some people get increased visual acuity. I think it is mental acuity that is increased as the cigarette is not constantly distracting you like the wailing two year old next door. If you are either smoking – or thinking about the next one and how soon you can get to it – your brain is only partly working for you.

I think having the nicotine out – AND having my brain not constantly – CONSTANTLY – focused on either smoking or getting the next smoke – I am getting smarter. I know my senses of vision, smell and hearing are getting clearer. I never expected this!

also I will add:  I was thinking about this the other day. If you smoked 1 pack a day and each cigarette lasted only 5 minutes, that equals one hour and 40 minutes spent smoking everyday.  That’s a lot of time. And I know – I know – that you were doing other things like driving, working on the computer, etc. but the sheer amount of time we devoted to this everyday has got to figure into how we are now spending that time…I just never thought about how much actual time it took up.  (there is also the time spent going to the store to buy them, cleaning up ashes, ashtrays & spills, hunting through pockets for them, hunting for lighters and matches, etc…)

 2/20/2007  This business kills you and not in a kindly way. I have lurked on the COPD board and it is chilling how this can come on suddenly. You think you are fine one day and then your doctor gives you really bad news.  So – one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary.

The “three day nicotine is out of your system” refrain just does not contain the whole truth.  The problem – I think – is that the nicotine IS out of your system. From all I’ve read, your entire body – organs, blood, hormones, brain, etc – has been used to the regular supply of nicotine. In fact it has learned to maintain homeostasis with the nicotine – now you pull it all out and the body gets a bit haywire trying to rebalance the entire structure without the nicotine. Plus the four THOUSAND other chemicals in the cigarettes.

And it ain’t going to do THAT in 3 days. So when the craves come… I will understand that this is my body trying to rebalance and having a hard time with all the years I poured all the nicotine and chemicals into it. Poor body. I do apologize!

 3/7/2007  It is easier to lose weight than to grow a new lung.
I’ve had a hard two days – constant craving. No reason. I am not stressed or angry or super happy or sad. I just want my smokes back. I don’t care how unreasonable this sounds, I do. Don’t tell me this is just an addiction and I should realize that all I am doing is feeding the addiction so I can get relief. I want to crawl back into the fog where I don’t have to think about this anymore.

But I will not let it happen. I like this new life. I like not being a slave to this nasty, killer habit. I like being able to breathe deeply – even in cold weather – and NOT cough.

I read this today:
Quitting is hard – but it will not kill you and will empower you.
Smoking is easy – but it will kill you and keep you powerless.

3/9/2007  You think your day is hard? Ready to throw in the towel?  When in doubt about your quit – think about this:

Somewhere there is . . .

* Someone who just heard their doctor tell them they have cancer
* Someone who is thinking about the days they have remaining
* Someone who is fearfully preparing for their first chemo treatment
* Someone who is trying to find the words to tell their child about cancer
* Someone who is now crying with the realization of their new illness
* Someone who is getting fitted with an oxygen tank to help them breathe
* Someone who’s voice has been silenced by cancer
* Someone who will not make retirement age
* Someone, who’s shoes you would not want to be in . . .

And then there is – someone who decided to quit smoking – to live life smoke free – addiction free. Let that someone be you . . .

 3/13/2007  40 days! Wow – I am just now understanding that the quit is an everyday process. I will not smoke today. I probably will WANT to smoke today as I want to smoke most days. But I won’t smoke today.

Actually today has not been too bad. The last couple were. I’ve been digging as to why this desire to smoke keeps following people around. Long after we are supposed to be ‘clean’ of the nicotine, et al. I read a post yesterday, on quit stop, from a woman who broke at 119 days. I read another’s journal where he said he just wanted to quit dealing with quitting.

I don’t think the nicotine is the baddest ass here. I think the desire to fuzz out my thoughts and numb my emotions are the focus. It is a mini-vacation from life and problems. The withdrawal leaves us vulnerable and raw. It is the raw that people keep calling the emptiness. Maybe like the Nothingness?

This desire does not seem to ever go away completely.  It did not go away for the woman with 119 days under her belt or for anyone else who has gone back to it.

So OK – quitting is still better. I can breathe, I heal very quickly, my skin is no longer flakey dry but very soft and nice, I don’t have this nasty habit to hide, to have to take outside like an outcast. I have extra money to spend on pampering myself.

 3/15/2007  They say truth is not a truth for you until you have experienced it yourself. I have discovered something very important.

I’ve decided I am going to have this monkey on my back for years to come. So I’ve made peace with that and today was a better day. I smoked 45 years and I now realize that it ain’t just going to go ‘gentle into that good night’. If you know what to expect, it’s not so bad.

Realizing this also takes some of the punch out of the urge to smoke. Fighting it, thinking tomorrow will be a much better day and hoping the desire will fade away by evening ain’t going to happen.

I know I will continue to have this desire and in accepting that, it makes it easier.

 3/16/2007  One day found myself thinking about smoking all day. I had heard about having ‘other actions’ instead of smoking for anger, depression, news of a death, boredom, etc… the whole concept that this is not just about quitting smoking but is a whole lifestyle change.

OK – So I had to figure out what was causing the crave. Something triggers it inside and it can be hard to pin down. This day I pinned it down to ‘confusion’. I was really surprised. The ‘tall’ emotions are pretty easy to identify… but confusion? And once I named it I understood and felt better immediately.

I’d been working out in the garden all day and there were a lot of loose ends playing tag in my brain. I realized I did not have a plan for any of these things and hence = confusion…

 3/18/2007  RED LETTER DAY
45 days free of smoking today vs 45 years of smoking.  Cool, huh?

Still want to smoke. Still wish it were safe, acceptable and cheap. World peace would come sooner.

I am an addict plain and simple. I cannot even light a cigarette again. I smell people who have been smoking and they smell good! All the other quitters talk about how bad they smell…

So yes, I do think about smoking from time to time. I won’t smoke though.

My brain does not like this.

I’d been taking in nicotine and some 4000+ chemicals in each cigarette for forty five years! My body had been creating it’s balance, it’s homeostasis, BASED on all the chemicals being supplied on a very regular basis, for YEARS!

It knew exactly how to balance the blood, oxygen, organs, hormones, bones, BRAIN, eyes, heart, etc. And now I come along and – CRASH – no more. So the autonomous part of my brain – the regulating, LIZARD part of my brain – is going to try everything it can to get its unnatural balance back.

This is the basic struggle of the quit. I think. You just keep saying ‘no’ and gradually you get rebalanced and things get better. But like a dog coveting a steak, my brain would have me jump on a smoke if it could. Hence the N.O.P.E.

 4/7/2007  65 days – 2748 cigarettes not smoked.
65 days have gone by faster than I would have thought. I imagined that this would be such a long and very painful process. In truth, I am getting to a much more comfortable stage in this process. The craves go on for a long time – the smoking went on for 45 (!!!) years though so what can I expect!

I have long periods where I do not think about smoking. My skin glows! I was amazed – and still am – to discover I did not have dry skin – I had ‘smoker’s’ skin. I feel lighter as I can go ANYWHERE and NEVER have to worry about ‘where am I going to smoke?’ or have to worry about buying cigarettes or being sure they are in my pocket or purse before I even go outside…

This is nice. I still miss smoking. I liked smoking. I know people say ‘no, no it was just an addiction’ – yes, that’s true, it IS an addiction – and then they say ‘you never really liked it, you only liked the relief you got from the craves’. I dunno. I liked smoking. But now I like being able to breathe deeply on a cold frosty morning. I like being able to sleep like a rock. I like a lot of the benefits of not smoking. I’ve done my smoking and I will NOT say I did not enjoy it. But I will say I have not enjoyed it for the past few years. It was time to quit.

I heard this today: it makes you smelly and poor and sick….

 4/13/2007  This is a specially formulated diet designed to help ex-smokers cope with stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s Kiss

Afternoon Tea
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chip topping

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

Share this with four ex-smokers and you will lose two pounds.

4/22/2007  80 days free. This week has been good. I’ve had very few cravings for the past week and although I know I’ll have some ahead – at least that what other people are saying about their quits – this week has been good! I have long stretches where I am aware that I am feeling very content and not wanting to smoke.

I saw a man in a car light a cigarette, inhale a deep drag and blow a huge cloud of smoke out of his window. My gut reaction was: poor bast*rd! and I was aware that a few weeks ago I would have envied him.  This business actually DOES get better!

5/1/2007  3 months today – I am dogsitting my cousin’s dog and I was thinking about all the similarities here…

Once I was a dog. I couldn’t stay in nice hotels. They all had signs up saying ‘no dogs allowed’. There were lots of places where they didn’t want me. Beaches, bars, restaurants, private homes. I always had to ‘go outside’. Even when I would travel, I would have to leave the areas where the people were and ‘go outside’ and hide my doggyness. People would avoid me and say mean things like ‘you stink – you smell like a dog’. I admit it. I did smell like a dog. I paid a lot of money for all these problems, too. Plus I never really felt good. Couldn’t run and jump and play.

But I am not a dog anymore. I can go anywhere. I can stay in the nicest hotels, eat leisurely in any restaurant, travel on airplanes and easily make connections while staying inside the airport. I can have a good time at a party without ever once having to ‘go outside’. Nobody comments on my smell unless it is a compliment on my perfume. I feel great. I can run and jump and play anywhere I want. And the best of all – this change is FREE!

I am not a dog anymore.Sterling – 3 months of being a human again….

 5/12/2007  My 100 Day Ramble

Dr. Dolittle had a llama called Pushmi-Pullyu. Remember him? This llama had a head on each end.. and that’s the way I feel at 100 days. I still want to smoke AND I want to be a non-smoker. I am being continuously pulled in opposite directions. Yes, I still want to smoke. Sorry. I’ve read Allen Carr. I know about ‘feeding the addiction’ and how you are not getting pleasure but ‘just relief’. But every time that want comes up and I have had to say ‘no – no no nonononono…NO!” – it is irritating. I think this is why a lot of people lose their quit. They get tired of the struggle. They get tired of saying ‘NO’, tired of the rawness of learning how to live without covering up the emotions.

That’s a lot of ‘NOs’. The absence of, the lack of, the not doing or not having. Negatives. So instead, I’ve learned a lot of the ‘nots’ are positives.

I smoked 45 years and everything about every day was associated with smoking. I do have nice long periods now where I don’t think about smoking and other times when I am angry and frustrated that smoking is toxic, expensive and anti-social. I could deal with the last two – I mean, we could always come up with money for cigarettes and who minded saying “screw you”?

BUT! This has been a journey of discovery. I love being able to breathe deeply – even on cold, frosty mornings and not cough. Being able to laugh myself silly and not cough. Sleeping solidly all night, not getting up 3, 4, 5 times… Being able to go anywhere without dragging my anchor along. Never having to hear “ice storm coming” and having the first thought NOT be water, milk, bread but you-know-what… Not being in a meeting and surreptitiously trying to see my watch – and wondering ‘how long until’? while everyone else is paying attention. (You think your boss does not notice?) Not having bronchitis and being so sick I can’t get up, coughing and wheezing, and – still – lighting up even while I hated to do it.

I know I will not have to worry about finding a place to smoke and I will not have to worry about someone saying ‘Oh no, don’t tell me you smoke!?’ with that same expression – you know the one – the one really says ‘Oh no, don’t tell me you wear dog**** on your head!?’ I like the fact that no hotel, airline, cruise ship, train, car rental or donkey ride will turn me away because I smoke. I really like the fact that my skin is so smooth, no longer dry… And – did I mention? – I really like the fact that I can breathe deeply without coughing…

What wonderful people are here at the Q! I have learned so many valuable things but the most important is that I am an addict. I can NEVER have another puff. N.O.P.E. Making the decision to smoke one cigarette is making the decision to bring it ALL back. There never is JUST ONE. And it IS a decision, not an accident…

So OK – I still WANT both worlds. Since I HAVE to choose – I choose to be a non-smoker. Life is better on this side.

Sterling – 100 days (I still want a Ferrari too)

5/25/2007  One thing that really helps me is this: when you find you are craving, stop what you are doing for a moment, close your eyes, breathe deeply and relax whatever part of your body is tense. And I guarantee some part will be. Then, as you are breathing deeply, eyes still closed, try to determine what is really bothering you.

For years we answered every problem with the numbing qualities of a smoke. Now we have to find better answers to life. Yes, it is hard because it is change… it is different. But you can do it. And you’ll get a lot of surprises when you ask that question “what is really troubling me?”

I read this recently: Quitting smoking is like rubbing a cheese grater on your brain.

 5/30/2007 – I had a smoking dream last night. I had two cigarettes lit and was enjoying them very much. Just sitting in bed focusing on the buzz. My son came in and I put them out and moved the ashtray before he could see it so I must have some shame left. I hate that I am thinking about smoking in a ‘kinder’ way these days. I will go back and read my journal from day 1.

6/9/2007  I think this is truly brilliant – this is worth reading and re-reading:
_____________________________________

Denial is not a river in Egypt (From CHINA228)
It always makes me sad to see people relapse. Whether they do it after struggling thru Hell Week or after being smoke-free for five years, they for whatever reason chose to smoke again. They almost always say they wish they hadn’t, but the point is they did smoke. Why? Because addiction is a powerful force and once we become an addict, our mind will go to any lengths and play any games to convince us to return to the addictive substance.

As nicotine addicts we are no different than any other kind of addict. Do we really understand that? I believe that everyone who quits is only 1 cigarette away from active addiction, and that relapser could just as easily have been me. Once you’ve been a practicing addict, you can never turn back the clock and undo that. That is a bell that you can’t unring. You must always make a conscious choice to not practice that behavior or ingest that substance. Maybe in time, one forgets that they are making a choice. Is that how we get into trouble?

No matter how many people post and say that they thought they could smoke just one or two and be okay but they found out that they can’t be a social smoker, someone else does the same exact thing the next day. Why? Do we truly understand that we are addicts? Do we somehow think we’re special or different from all the others who couldn’t smoke just one? Do we like playing Russian roulette with our lives? Do we forget how hard it was to break free of active addiction to start with? Do we reach a point one day where we think we just don’t care?

So far, when I’ve found myself standing at the edge of the abyss, I’ve been able to convince myself that a cigarette could do nothing to help me feel better and would only taste/feel horrible after all this time without smoking. I hope I am always able to rein myself in when the junkie starts whispering in my ear. I’ve fought too hard to get to this point, and it would be a deliberate act on my part to throw it away.

I have accepted that I can never remove the addict within me. She will always be there. I can coexist with her though as long as I remember that she can never, and I do mean never, be awakened again. She will lie there sleeping as long as I continue to make the choice to not smoke. It’s really that simple. Just continue to do what I’ve been doing, one day at a time. It’s all up to me.  Sharon – D148
______________________

I do think that each of us thinks of ourselves as special and different. You might have a cigarette and succumb – hey, I’d really expect that. But me? No, I could have one, enjoy it and not pick it up again. I’m ‘cured’, you see… THAT is the junkie brain that really, really wants the full megilla again. It does not want ‘one’.  As Pogo once said: We have met the enemy and he is us.

7/1/2007   150 days – five months – 6316 cigarettes not smoked.
And I still want to smoke. Sometimes. Not all the time, but I still feel like my quit is fragile. Perhaps all our quits are more fragile than we’d like to think. I read too many times about the famous ‘one puff’ for people at 2 months or two years… or ten years (!) and they are right back to full time smoking AND they all say it is SO hard to quit again.

I HATE being an addict. I really never knew I was before this.

8/1/2007  Six Months – wow – it is hard to believe I have quit smoking, let alone it was six months ago…This has – as they all said it would – gotten much easier. I am aware that I am not smoking, so to that extent I do think about it.

I really like being a non-smoker. I never, ever have to think about where – when – how many do I have – where is a lighter, ashtrays – how much have they raised the price this time- who am I going to offend now – new laws that say I can’t smoke over there either…

A huge weight is gone. I respect this addiction and I am keenly aware that I can never re-addict myself with even one puff. N.O.P.E.

8/20/2007  At 200 days…The benefits are amazing: clean, deep breathing, smooth skin, no heavy anchor, not spending money on them, the energy to run or workout, the ability to really smell the roses, and not be smelly!

But I am keenly aware of how easily a quit can be lost. At 100 days or 10 years. I know how fragile and precious a quit is. One is all it takes.

I wonder at the number of people who earnestly write in their posts and journals that they really, truly DO understand that this is an addiction and they can never, ever have just one… and then they post: woops! I thought I could have ‘just one’.

Everyday people post that they had just one and it was awful and they wish they had not done it and they are back to smoking and then the next day…!!! another person posts the same thing.

So – if I have learned anything here – it is that each of us needs some way to remember that our quit is fragile and precious and really protect it. Pledge every day. Like the alcoholic who has not had a drink in years will say: I am an alcoholic – so must we say: I am a nicotine addict.

We are addicts – we must never forget this. Addicts.

Sterling – maybe get NOPE tattooed on my forehead?

 9/8/2007   Do you ever think about smoking?
They say it takes a full year, minimum. We see TOO many people with the rah-rah, I am cured, I don’t even know what a cigarette IS and wouldn’t want one even if I DID – kind of mentality here on the Q. That’s not real. Many of these people come back on day 1 and we’ve been around here long enough to see it.

This is a really hard road. I cannot imagine that after years and years and years, you could just turn it off. I am SO aware that I am not smoking. Not ALL the time but MUCH of the time. How could I not? Everything about everyday revolved around smoking. I didn’t go certain places because I couldn’t smoke. I missed out on a lot of good stuff because I couldn’t smoke there. LIFE was planned around SMOKING!

No, I would love to smoke. Would LOVE to. But I do not want all that toxic crap back in my body. It is a dichotomy. It is Dr. Dolittle’s llama called Pushmi-Pullyu – pulling in opposite directions…

I do not think the fight is forever. I have asked friends of mine who quit 20-25 years ago: do you still want to smoke? And I get a wide variety of answers but it boils down to ‘no’. They all say they can remember the seductive pull of the addiction – like cocaine addicts – but they do not ever crave and never even think about it unless somebody – like me – asks.

So it will get better. We are but babes in this quit. I keep a big Costco box of Tootsie Roll Pops in my trunk, just in case.

Check out lvista’s 100 day ramble! One of the best – and very funniest – 100 day rambles I have ever read.

 9/27/2007  Just so you know… It does seem that there is a 30 day cycle of some kind with the craving. The Q has one of those question things that floats around saying this is NOT true. But I have observed it again and again and again.

There seem to be 30, 60, 90 day peaks in craving, plus or minus a few days. A lot of people get to the 120-130 day period and fold. You gotta be really careful here. This is a real danger period. I’ve seen too many people lose their quit here. Which is really hard because by 150 days you are in a very calm place. Some bites here and there but in general you feel pretty good.

Be aware that when someone with a lot of days complains about a crave, it is not the same gut wrenching kind you get on day 3. But it is a very irritating, annoying, itchy thing you want to just go away.

DO NOT EVER say: I thought I’d be over this by now and I’m not so I’ll just have my smokes. NO!!! That is your lying brain trying to fool you into getting its fix. It does this RIGHT BEFORE it gets really better as it KNOWS it won’t get it later.

Sterling – 236 days of freedom and almost ten THOUSAND not smoked!

11/13/2007  I just got back from a dental trip to Costa Rica. First trip since I’d quit. I am amazed. I did not see any smokers… I figured Costa Rica would be full of smokers. Full of signs saying ‘No Fumar’ and ‘Prohibito Fumar’. I told the dentist I had quit smoking and he said: “I would think it is hard to smoke these days, people really…” and he searched for the right word in English, and finally said after some hesitation “Well, people really hate the smokers.”

I saw one lone oriental guy on a tour that was puffing away every chance he got. I felt so sorry for him. Most of my trip – airport, airplane, taxi, hotel, dentist, restaurants, boat ride – was in places where no smoking was allowed. It would have been a very painful trip as a smoker!

 11/25/2007  300 days – woowhee!! and I have gained 15 pounds – so I am going to apply that premium money to ediets.com and lose some weight!  Keep on this journey – it is worth more than you can imagine when you start out.

Sterling

Dang it…

D 84 and I don’t smoke.

I am not smoking.

I WILL NOT SMOKE.

But I want to. At least the part of me that loves to stink does. The part of me that loves to waste money does. The part of me that doesn’t really believe it’ll make me sick – even though I can’t breathe properly when I smoke – wants to. The part of me that thinks it blows to promise myself that I’ll take care of myself and breathe only fresh air, wants to smoke. The part of me that’s age 12 wants to believe that all of this anti-tobacco stuff is hooey and won’t hurt me.

I guess therein lies the point. I won’t smoke AND my inner child (junkie/addict) objects often. It’s the adult in me that has to make the choices about what’s best for my health (and my pocketbook).

So I’m going to buy that child an ice cream cone this afternoon and take her for a bike ride and a gallery exhibition and try to show her that there is much to do and so much life out there to enjoy when she’s not wasting away by puffing on a stick of poison.

Damn. I so wish I never picked one of those things up.

I could use some help and some inspiration from the Q. Just need the human element, a few hugs and some cheering…. not asking for much eh?

Phew!

nsnj

My response:

I love it when other people can put into words feelings that I have but never could have put it that clearly.

I have said to myself more than once I feel like quitting smoking makes me sound like a schizophrenic because it truly does feel like there are two separate entities battling around back and forth inside of me.  The way I feel like my own mind tries to trick me has led me to feel betrayed by my very own self – that sounds kinda nuts, right?

So thanks for the wonderful analogies, especially about the inner child and showing her the healthier way instead of caving to her craves.  And not beating herself up for it, either…as I tend to do to myself with anything having to do with cigarettes.

But this sentence you wrote brought tears to my eyes: “Damn. I so wish I never picked one of those things up.”

Oh, yeah!  Despite the many and varied bad choices I’ve made in my life that I’m still paying for, this one would make my top 5 list of things I wish I would have done differently in my life, that’s for sure.

Because I still feel like no matter how long I can stay quit, or how less frequently I think about them, or how secure I feel in staying quit this time, or how much they stink on other people, and on and on for all the good reasons – I know there will always be times and triggers that will make me want to smoke.  And that royally pisses me off.  I want to not want them EVER AGAIN – I want to not have this connection between smoking and that kind of relief in my mind – and even with people who have quit thousands of days – I’m not really seeing much of that being true.

But I also found what you said on your profile so true for me, too:  “… the harder we were pushed to stop, the more we instinctively fought to smoke.”  That was me for sure – show me a nasty picture of what smoking does to a body made me so nervous I had to have a cigarette immediately!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for this post.  I’ve had a strange day in non-smoking land and this one helped me sort out some things in my still mushy mind.

Malia – day 27

My “rant” on day 12 of my quit:

I’ve gotta stay serious about this quit!

I found myself thinking I am spending too much time on this site – reading too many posts, joining the 60+ club, even getting into the chat room at night.  I’ve really got so many other things to do that I’m neglecting in the 11 days I’ve been quit, including work and making money.

But I think I’m trying to firmly establish and keep the mindset that this quit really has to be my last and final one. If I want to even stay reasonably healthy into my 60′s, I can no longer pretend that inhaling thousands of toxic chemicals directly into my lungs several times a day is not affecting me badly.  The gunk I spit up in the mornings should be enough to convince me of that.

So I read through other people’s profiles and see how they did it.  It helps to see other people talk about feeling so crazed and hopeless in the first few days – when I’m going through stuff like that I tend to think I’ve got to be the only person in the world thinking the insane things that run through my mind.  Not being crazy alone is helpful somehow.  Misery loves company and all that crapola.

I’m constantly amazed at how creative my brain can be when it’s trying to convince me that I really “need” a cigarette.  And how stubbornly persistent it is.  But then why shouldn’t it be?  Since I’ve been a “serial quitter” for so many years now – sometimes quit for years at a time – I’ve taught it that if it just keeps taunting me long and hard enough – if something stressful happens, or if I get mad enough, or if someone hurts my feelings, or if I just really need a break – my brain is going to make the argument that it NEEDS a cigarette to get through it.  Even if it promises me it understands, it will just be this ONCE.

Even if nothing particularly bad is happening, still it tells me that nothing will ever be right again in my entire life if I can’t ever smoke again. It’s used that argument to convince me an embarrassing number of times that I just can’t ever be that strong to make such an absolute statement like NOPE:  That’s a four letter word if I’ve ever heard one!  Not One Puff Ever!

I’ve really never been able to manage that one for long.  I’d always find a way to justify just taking a puff, or just bumming one, which graduated to just smoking on the weekends, and then longer weekends, until once again I’m driving to the store in the middle of the week for whatever reason of the moment makes sense to my addicted brain.

I read a post tonight that said “I feel really helpless like things will never be okay if I commit to quit. I’ve smoke for so damn long! Did anyone else feel this way before they quit?”

OMG, girl – did I ever!  I think one of the most helpful things I saw shared on the forum recently was “Are you afraid of Succeeding?”

…an incredibly powerful message that I’ve read more than once.

I liked how he said at the end, “By quitting smoking, you will never have to worry about if you have enough cigarettes. You will never have to worry about if you have enough money to buy cigarettes so you can slowly commit suicide. You will never have to worry about meeting new people and wonder if you stink. You will never have to worry if your breath smells like an ashtray. You will never have to hurry and smoke before going into a non smoking establishment. You will never have to worry when you can have that next cigarette. You will never have to worry about long plane trips and most importantly, if you quit smoking you will never have to worry again about trying to quit.  Don’t be afraid. Quitting is a temporary adjustment. BUT it is only TEMPORARY! Freedom is forever!!  Never Take Another Puff!!!”

I still have enough undamaged brain cells left to know that makes total sense and there really is no rational argument to be made against it.  And I also know that no matter how “deprived” I feel, it’s just the addiction talking.  And the double edged sword is that even if I give up on not smoking, I’d never be able to just accept it and be happy with that decision.  No matter how I try to justify it and say I just accept that I really do just “like” smoking, I would always be disappointed in myself that I didn’t try harder or longer.  Definitely a no-win position.

So I keep repeating my favorite mantra:  “I’d rather be a non-smoker with an occasional desire to smoke than a smoker who is always wanting to quit.”  It’s true that the desire is more than occasional right now, but I guess that’s OK for my 11th day.  This is my LAST 11th day and all I want to do is keep racking up those numbers and never reset my Q gadget ever again!  I also know that it is possible there will come a day I won’t even be tempted to smoke again.  Stranger things have happened in my world.

So I’m affirming again tonight that whatever it takes – no matter how many times I fall to my knees in tears – no matter how many experiences (good and bad) I need to read from other ex or non smokers – I’m sticking with the most SIMPLE way (although certainly not easy for me right now) – N.O.P.E.!

Wow – this has been my first long rant.  But I just had to get that off my chest… 

I really do appreciate the people and the support around here! 

After that post, I got several great responses, like:

Wow, what a great post. That could have been me speaking because I have been there ,done that. I cannot believe I made it this far after 55 yrs of cigs, but this site helps just like you said it does. Wtg on those 11 days, I am sure you will make it this time, I hope this is my last quit too, don’t know if I have another one in me.

That was me, exactly. I was so afraid and so sure I would never be happy again, if I couldn’t smoke. I so believed my life would never be ‘good’ again if I couldn’t smoke.

Let me assure you that is a big pile of bullsh*t. It took me a long time to understand I could enjoy life and be happy without having to smoke, but it is the absolute truth.

Life will be good again. You will feel relaxed again without having to feed your addiction. Just be patient. Give yourself time. And educate yourself with the truth about addiction. I never thought it was all a big mind game. I truly thought cigs made me happy and relaxed and enhanced my life. Lies, Lies, Lies. I believe I had brainwashed myself.

Stay quit. One day at a time. Ask for help when you need it. Don’t be afraid. Be patient, you will find life is better than ever without smoking.

In response to those responses, I posted this:

I hope it’s okay that I keep rambling, although I always start off thinking I’m just gonna post a quick thanks for the support…and then end up with a novel. LOL! Oh well, whoever doesn’t want to doesn’t have to read it, right?

One of the things I believe is that every person who crosses my path here is sent personally to me to be part of my “angel squad” to help me stay strong in this quit. So not only do I read your responses to my posts, but I read the profiles to find additional messages that feel like they were written just for me. Here’s what I learned from you all today:

Thistime: “this time i am equipped with the knowledge that i am a nicotine junkie, and i cannot have just one. i feel so much better not being a slave to cigarettes anymore.” Amen!

DaveNeedsBreath: I have had fears about COPD with the way I cough and how long I have smoked. You really brought it home for me by saying, “one med is about the cost of 5 or 6 cartons of smokes!!!” The price of a pack (much less a carton) of cigarettes is so outrageous, and no matter how hard we’ve tried to quit before, the healthy part of our brain really did know we could quit if we just stayed resolved. But now you have no choice about taking the meds needed to keep you alive – and that’s only because of the damage that smoking did to your body. Quite the lesson there – thank you for sharing.

Philsy: Wow, could I ever relate to you saying, “My addiction was born in rebellion and nurtured by it.” I was a true hippie child of the 60’s and starting something that my parents had told me not to do (even though they were both smokers then) made it even more irresistible to me. Now I’m trying to re-channel that rebellion into being militant about NOPE. Could so relate to what you said on your profile, though, “The quit is going well so far, but I have to keep alert for old Nic; the little jerk never sleeps!” You’re officially on my buddy list now and on the “most inspiring” path. Really loved what you said at the end, “What made me or any of the other thousands of successful quitters who have passed through this site keep trying? In my case it was faith, faith that I would eventually find the pathway. Working out of an addiction involves bewilderment and a fair amount of suffering. But it can also mean self-discovery and rebuilding of the spirit we had almost forgotten we had. Quitting remains my best achievement in my life, even though I never got a diploma or bonus for it.” Last year I remember writing that one of the things I was most proud of over the past year was that I had quit smoking – something I’ve said more than once is the hardest thing I had ever done. I was so ashamed when I read that because I had started smoking again at that point. But my faith is resolved again and I appreciate so much that you can relate!

j_m: I’m always in awe of someone who can quit while living with someone who smokes. As strong as I know I can be, that feels beyond me. I guess I feel that way because I usually end up “cheating” whenever I’m around my daughter who smokes. This time I just keep repeating the mantra to keep it simple (even if not easy) and NOPE!

leejay: 8 years quit after 35 years smoking? Now THAT’S inspiration for me for sure! I’ve never managed that long – except this time I will! I really appreciated your 9 month ramble where you said, “I began my journey as I always did, full of fear, not knowing what was ahead for me. Each time I came to a fork in the road and needed direction, I would find notes from previous travelers. Anytime I stopped and asked for assistance, people rushed in to help. At times when I was too weary, others helped carry my bags. Many people have walked this road with me. Some were here only a short time, became distracted and lost their way. Others had problems and had to start the trip over. A few have fallen back a few paces, but keep traveling along. A precious few have been with me every step of the way. But each of them has been instrumental and inspirational in my quit. Every person I have met on this road has taught me something.” That’s exactly how I feel already about this forum and the people who generously and fearlessly share their stories.

Pat: I think you already know what an inspiration you’ve been to me, both on the forum, by Qmail and on chat. I feel so blessed to know that you have my back. I’ve benefitted from your ideas on substitutions and other posts you’ve shared. I particularly like what you said way back in 2009, “I felt like such a failure then and was not able to consider quitting again because I felt `hopeless`. Coming here gave me courage to quit! We are not failures, we just need to never quit quitting! I have quit quitting quitting smoking – now does that make sense? To my warped brain right now it totally does. I will NOT quit my quit this time!

I Quit!

Started writing this 4/1/12: ( a week ago and if I don’t post it now, I’ll keep putting it off…)   This makes me realize how ashamed I am of this habit and how I haven’t been able to kick it to the curb for good in other attempts…

I’ve smoked cigarettes since I was 16 years old. Wow, I just realized – for 45 years now, it’s been the most enduring “relationship” I’ve ever had. I’ve quit several times starting when I was in my 20′s and since then at different times quit for several years at a time, but I always found my way back to the habit during times of stress or depression, or when I just didn’t care about anything else at the moment except having the “comfort” I believed cigarettes gave to me.

How many times have I tried to quit?  Well, let’s see… I really don’t know that number (or my mind’s so screwed up right now, I can’t count that high).  I quit keeping track a while back because it’s just been too many times and I’m so embarrassed to say I’ve failed every time I’ve tried.  How many cigarettes have I stubbed out and swore would be my last?  Countless.  How many days has it been this time?  20!

My last cigarette was on March 12 at around 2 p.m.  According to my QuitNet gadget that computes these things based on how much I smoked and how much they cost, I’ve not smoked 299 cigarettes, saved $90 and 2 days/6 hours of my life.

That sounds puny and impressive at the same time.  Certainly a non-smoker can’t relate to how hard it is to go 20 whole days without inhaling toxic smoke into your lungs.  I figure I’ve smoked a cigarette every 20 minutes of each waking hour for the vast majority of my life.  I know I can’t expect that physical craving and psychological habit will disappear overnight.

Despite the number of times I’ve tried, and all the things I know about how harmful (and ridiculously expensive) cigarettes are – no matter that sometimes I’ve quit for years at a time – I’ve always ended up “romancing the smoke” and gone back to it.

A non smoker would probably say it’s ridiculous to make a statement like “quitting smoking was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”  Lord knows I’ve had some tragic, unbelievably sad and stressful things happen in my life – how can I say that “simply” quitting smoking was the hardest thing???

I think because it is relentless – it’s not just an event that happens once and you can then start healing and getting over it.  Oh no, for me, this merry-go-round of having nicotine fits and fixes has gone on and on with no seeming end in sight.

Last big quit began September 2010.  I can’t say I didn’t “cheat” some since then, but the major relapse started a couple of months ago.  Strangely enough, I used an assignment in a therapy group for anxiety I started going to this past January to justify picking up the habit again.

The assignment one night was to write a statement about something good that you had accomplished that year.  At the top of my list I wrote “I quit smoking and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”  I remember being so proud of myself for that accomplishment.  I was a non-smoker!

Within a week, I had bought a pack of cigarettes.  Why?  Because the next session was about what tools we could use to “self-soothe” ourselves when we get anxious or depressed.  When it came to my turn to say what I did or could do, I swear my mind just went completely blank and I could not think of one thing – except a cigarette!

I bought a pack immediately after walking out of therapy that night.  “Self-soothe???  I’ll show you how I self-soothe!!!”  Who exactly was I punishing?  Myself?  My therapist?  Who knows?  I just know I associated cigarettes with being soothed and I needed some serious soothing!

I smoked that pack over the weekend and when Monday and therapy came again, I reported what I had done but that I didn’t really want to start smoking again, so I was out again and wasn’t buying another pack.  Therapist said, “Good, now how about finding a way to sooth yourself without hurting yourself at the same time?”  That made total sense to me, but ever since that 2nd week in January, I haven’t been able to stay totally smoke free.

Now I think back on how I rode the slippery slope slide this time (because let me tell you, this was not my first (or even 10th) quit-smoking rodeo).

So this is the start of my last quit.  I tell myself I’ve told myself that before.  But this time it’s different.  That’s all I can say right now.  I’ve basically made quitting smoking my fulltime job.  I’m spending countless hours on a quit-smoking support site, QuitNet.com.

Even as I write this, and affirm all this good stuff, and try desperately to find just the right words and resources to help to stay quit – I feel the fear of failure deep in the pit of my stomach.

Can I hate this addiction enough – can I find the strength within myself to keep saying N.O.P.E. (Not One Puff Ever)?  I’m judging myself so harshly for everything and that includes writing skills and making any sense right now, but I’m on the path and that just has to be enough for now.

I intend to keep writing here and sharing websites, insights and posts from other people who have successfully quit.  Those that have said they never really wanted to quit, but finally had to due to health reasons, those that wanted desperately to quit but “couldn’t” find the strength, and those like me – that say in all seriously, “If I can do it, anyone can!”

Maybe if I start writing and compiling material here in categories that I can go back to when I have a crave, when I start “romancing the smoke” again, when I tell myself I just like to smoke and that’s all there is to it… maybe this will help me keep this quit!

I had come to think a washer/dryer was an absolute necessity.  Even though it just came with my first motorhome, having lived with one for 11 years made it hard for me to accept having to go to the Laundromat every week or two.

It also made sense to me to go with a smaller RV than the 36′ I have now.  I looked at 29 footers and basically decided that just felt too small to me to live in fulltime – just my personal preference and belief I’d feel too cramped.  I quickly learned these two “needs” do not co-exist in any motorhome I could even think of affording.

But at that point I was still thinking maybe there’s a way to make this work – give up some space and have a washer/dryer installed.  I liked the 34′ Allegro TGA and the 33′ Winnebago Sightseer.  Not giving up much length from what I have now, but at least some.

But I didn’t want to feel desperate or in too much of a hurry to get anything – I’m a research junkie, remember?  However, having my water heater quit heating started to make me feel that way.  It’s one thing to get a message from the Universe that it’s time to take action (which is how I interpreted the last straw of the water heater breaking and the major expense that would be) – but I was finding it more and more of a pain to live without easy hot water and showering in the campground showers.  OK, I admit it – I’m just spoiled that way.

For a minute it looked like the water heater was fixed when my mobile RV tech came by and simply replaced a switch, which made the propane option work again.  But the next day the pilot light went out again, and when I opened the panel, I could see water dripping from the pressure release valve. I did all the things I knew to do, even with the tips of friends in the know about such things.  Suffice it to say, I had to drain the heater and there’s no winterization bypass valve anymore due to a prior “fix” to the chronic leaky heater in 2006.

So now I have the water turned off at the hose, my water tank filled, and I only turn on the pump when I need water, so that the water heater doesn’t fill up and keep leaking. OK, so I’m totally spoiled and don’t appreciate having to even think about not having even cold water at the drop of a tap.  But, OK, I can live with it for a little while, right???  Be thankful I still have any water at all – all that “grateful thinking” stuff I believe, but still have problems really living in times like this…

So what are your real options, Malia?

Meanwhile, last week I went to Crestview to see an option Rob wanted me to look at – the 35′ Allegro 35 QBT.  His idea (and he checked with the regional Tiffin rep as well as the techs at Crestview) and they thought it would work – was to replace the bunk beds in that model with the washer/dryer unit.  That space was directly next to the bathroom, so they thought the plumbing would work, etc.

What They Say About Bob Tiffin is True!

So although that model was certainly out of my price range, I thought this was the perfect opportunity to see if what I had heard about Tiffin customer service was true.  I know owners who swear by them and I’ve heard tales of people being able to talk to the big boss (Bob Tiffin) on the phone quite easily.  So I easily enough got his phone number from the Internet, got his voice mail and left a message briefly about what I was considering and wanted his opinion.  I have to say, I was pretty impressed that within a half hour, he called me back!  He told me he had gone to his engineer to discuss this option, and their opinion is that it shouldn’t be done.  He said the models they have that offer washer/dryers are basically built around them and the needs of that special feature.  Retrofitting something like that (especially that would be on one of the slides) was not a good idea, in their opinion.

Rethinking…

So I can rethink the smaller size option and stick with the 36′ length – or I can pretty much forget the washer/dryer option.  There’s just no room for them on the other smaller ones I’d been looking at.  Of course my “dream coach” that seems to have everything – the Allegro Red 34QA – is smaller, extremely beautiful, with the washer/dryer, but it’s also a diesel and about twice what I can realistically afford!  Wish I had never gone into that one at the show…   But even if that one is out of my league, I’ve had fun visiting with the folks at the Tiffin forum.  Such helpful and friendly people there – another “tip” on the side of buying from Tiffin.

Tomorrow I’m going back to Crestview to look at the smaller options again and tell myself I can live with having to go to the Laundromat – there are certainly worse fates than that!

So I’m waiting for my new motorhome to show up – where are you, Inspiration 2?

Update 3/5/12:  Crestview had already sold the Allegro 34 TGA and they don’t have an Allegro 32 CA (which is what I am really intriqued by at this point).  I haven’t been able to locate one in Texas at this point, so I’m looking into travel to Louisiana – or maybe if I get really crazy and antsy – I just may take a trip to Red Bay and see how they build these things! 

I’ve been debating the pros and cons of keeping my 12 year old 36′ motorhome vs. getting something newer.  But higher payments and the increased debt of buying a new (or even just new-to-me) motorhome kept me on the side of keeping what I have, telling myself it would be paid off in a few more years.  I know it and all its systems well, I’ve kept records of all service, followed maintenance schedules and recommendations, etc.  See February, 2009 post: RV Repair vs. Trade-in Debate about how long that struggle has been playing through my mind.

Should I Even Continue RVing?

Also part of this debate has included the question of whether I should continue fulltime RVing at all.  I’m feeling my age more now (both in body and mind), and fears about having no “secure” retirement or health insurance argues that I should hang up the keys, move back into the duplex and lead a more “reasonable” lifestyle.  Maybe I should just be grateful for the great 11 years I’ve had.  I’ve seen so much more than most people ever dream of, do I have the right to expect more?

But when I really sat quietly with that thought for a while, I had to give the argument over to my gut, which literally got sick at the thought.  Whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, whether it’s reasonable or practical, my heart just knows it’s not time to give up my lifelong travel dream yet.  I’m grateful for all that I’ve been blessed to see so far, but I know there’s so much more I haven’t seen that I still want to.

Mounting Repair Bills Not Inspiring

But the problems with the motorhome are increasing in cost and frequency, the slide is still not right, one of the hydraulic leveling jacks need to be replaced, and I’ve put thousands of dollars in repairs over the last couple of years, including replacing the microwave.   And let me tell you, appliances for RVs are unbelievably and unreasonably expensive to replace.

The last straw was the water heater breaking last week.  As I was thinking about where to go this summer, I realized I just honestly don’t feel safe driving it long distances anymore.  And I no longer feel it’s worth continuing to pour money into something this old and expensive to repair.

A friend wrote, “How can you say that about your first Inspiration?” And there’s no doubt that Inspiration has served me well – it launched my dream of fulltime RVing and I was so thrilled getting something much nicer than I had ever dreamed of at the time.  Of course my very first motorhome will always hold a special place in my heart, but inspiration can be found in driving something newer, too – Inspiration 2! 

Screw Reality!

So now at least those main struggles in my mind are resolved.  Basically I concluded: reality and reasonableness be damned!

That takes care of the more “practical” side of the debate.  But I fully recognize that the emotional side of me is just plain excited about getting something new, “prettier” and more updated overall.

When I first started researching RVs in 2001, I concluded that buying brand new was out of the question, and not just because of the initial price.  The fact that you can pretty much bank on losing 20% in depreciation by the time you drive off the lot, the stories I heard from owners who spent their first few months going back and forth to the dealer to work out “kinks” (that to me should have been addressed before it even left the manufacturer), convinced me not to even consider brand new.

And if I can come up with another miracle deal like I did the first time (1 year old with 3,000 miles at an unbelievable price), I’d probably jump at the chance.  But I’m not in a “settling” state of mind, and I’ve also decided not to rule out any option (within budget anyway).  Good incentives and financing on new RVs, plus having a warranty, at least persuades me to look at these options.  And I admit – there’s definitely an appeal to being able to pick out just the options, color and decor I want.  At 60 years old, I realize I’ve really never bought anything major in my life new.  There’s certainly a feeling at this point of, “You deserve it, Malia – go for it!” I have my own cheering squad in my head sometimes that can drown out even my darkest doubts.

The Big Show

So I really had a blast at the RV show.  Of course what they had there were all the new, shiny models.  I had no intention of buying at the show, but I figured it would show me the new floorplans and start the baby steps toward my dream of another motorhome.  The ones I liked the best there (more or less in my price range anyway) were the 33′ Winnebago Sightseer and the Allegro 34′ TGA.  That’s a whole ‘nother debate between manufacturers – Winnebago has been good to me and I know they’re considered to be well made, but Allegros have always appealed to me and I’ve heard good things about their customer service and Bob Tiffin.

I am so happy that Rob Hoffman, the salesman who led me to Inspiration is still at Crestview and was at the show.  Having someone I trust with a long history in the business is comforting to me.  Since he was one of the first “angels” who assisted me in getting started RVing, he’s now on alert for another miracle, and is also putting together information on brand new options.  The baby steps have begun!  As I was recently reminded of one of my favorite quotes, “The longest journey begins with a single step.”

I also loved meeting other people as we walked through the different models.  As always, RVers are some of the friendliest, open and fun people on earth.  I met other fulltimers and wannabe RVers looking for their first one, but I particularly enjoyed sharing the second day of the show with a former online-only friend.  Susan came in from Temple and is dreaming of starting her solo RVing journey sometime in 2013.  We had already discovered via email and Facebook that we had so much in common, it really felt like meeting an old friend instead of a first meeting.

She expressed all the same anxieties I felt about even considering a motorhome – “I can’t possibly drive something that big – I’ve never driven anything larger than a van before!”  So familiar hearing my own words and fears reflecting back on me… all I could do is tell her to look around, research, at least test drive, and be open to what her own heart tells her feels right for her.  But I could also testify that I learned to drive a 36′ motorhome despite being terrified at first, and now people watch me and say I drive that big thing like a little Toyota!  So I had to advise not to let fear alone limit her choices.

And she looks great behind the wheel of this 33′ Winnebago Sightseer, doesn’t she?  A real natural!

Size Matters:

I had been thinking of looking at least a few feet smaller than what I’ve had.  I’ve been perfectly comfortable and never felt cramped in my 36 footer, and felt I could get by with something at least a little smaller.  I figured increased gas mileage and the ability to get into some state parks that have size limitations would make this option better.

I really want to look at the new 2012 Winnebago Sightseer 30A model, but they didn’t have one of those at the show.  Hope to find one to check out and/or test drive soon, though, because it was actually seeing pictures of this in a press release that first sparked the idea of something new.  It would take a real miracle for me to afford this one, though!  Crestview, are you hearing me? 

But one thought that keeps me from the smaller ones I’ve seen so far is the lack of even the space for a combo washer/dryer.  I would have never thought that was a deal breaker – mine just came with it and I took it as a bonus.  And I know my more “rustic” camping friends think that argument is ridiculous.  But last summer in Michigan at state parks without full hookups made me have to go to Laundromats and I discovered I really hated that!  So I’m still debating the every-once-in-a-while problem of not fitting into some state parks and the every week trip to do laundry (or two weeks if I buy more underwear).

Pusher vs. Gasser:

Of course no debate about RVs would be complete without the diesel pusher vs. gasser argument.  I have friends I totally trust who swear that’s not even an argument – go with the diesel, no question about it.  Among other reasons, the increased power, the engine longevity, and the quieter ride is very attractive, I admit.  But the $30,000+ increase in price, the maintenance and fuel being more expensive pretty much squashes that option for me.  And Rob said he’d be happy with the larger price commission, but he knows my driving style and habits (Inspiration only has 57,000 miles on it after 11 years), and thinks that is not a necessary thing in my case.

So he is putting together info for me, researching options for washer/dryer in smaller models, and I’ll be meeting with him soon to go over brochures and all options.  I don’t want to be in any unnecessary hurry, so I guess I’ll at least try to get the water heater fixed in the meantime, since I’m finding that to be a real pain.  It’s hard to be patient for someone like me whose motto is, “Instant gratification takes too long!“  OK, I’m spoiled – I freely admit it!  What else is new?  Besides my new motorhome?

I remember looking back at it from my RV and thinking it didn’t look especially sturdy to me…

but it would certainly be better than my flimsy motorhome!  (The brown building is the office.)

The next morning really didn’t look nearly as threatening as forecast - it wasn’t raining but the skies were grey and gloomy, I had client work to do, so I decided to stay another day anyway.  When I went to pay for another night, Elaine again reminded me that if I heard the siren, to come to the office immediately.

But I really wasn’t too worried at that point, so before getting down to work, I posted to my Facebook friends that I wasn’t amused at yet another tornado warning in Alabama.  I had “been there, done that” in April, which was the first time I had ever heard a real tornado siren go off.  It really gets your attention, let me tell you – it’s really, really loud and insistent!  I blogged about that in “Welcome to Alabama.”

But as soon as I hit the button to post my comment, I heard the tornado warning siren go off – like it was right next door to me, it was so loud!  I grabbed my purse and phone (and camera like last time, of course)  and headed to the office.  It still wasn’t raining at that point, but I could see the skies had definitely darkened since I had walked back to the RV.

The sirens were blaring at this point, but it was only raining a little bit, so I took this shot as I got to the office.

Both the owners, Elaine and Bob, were there with the local weather station on the TV and also holding a battery powered radio in case the power went out.  They were welcoming new people coming in off the road along with the people already staying in the campground.  Bob turned on the popcorn machine and soon the office was filled with that great scent, as people were standing around talking introducing themselves.  RVers are an innately friendly group as it is, but an event like this brings us together even more.   I met some neat people from Ontario and another couple of fulltimers as we munched on popcorn and glanced over at the TV every now and then, especially when the sirens kept going on and off.

But Bob and Elaine assured us we were as safe as humanly possible in a building if a tornado hit.  Bob told me about the special polysteel construction method and material used – some kind of styrofoam blocks stacked with steel are built into the floors and walls.  The walls are made of 8″ thick solid poured concrete, but the entire width of the walls are about 14″ – 15″ thick with the foam insulation added.  They also demonstrated the special storm windows:

We heard that a funnel cloud was spotted about 4 miles from us and at one point, the rain and wind got a lot stronger and the leaves were whipping around after being stripped from the trees, but the brunt of the storm went over us without touching anything down or tearing anything apart.

I took this with my cell phone as the worse passed by – you can hardly see the RVs across the road that were so visible just a few minutues before – those streaks are leaves blowing across.

video

It was all over pretty shortly and afterwards, I asked Elaine and Bob to pose in front of the office/shelter.

In getting the chance to visit with them a little bit more than usual, I was impressed that this is a true family enterprise run entirely by the family.  They built this park about 6 years ago, their son Robert, and daughter-in-law Shana, help manage it and they live onsite.  They’ve RV’d for years, love the lifestyle and the people, so building and running an RV park was their dream.  You can tell they love what they do by the way they treat their guests.

In fact, even before I arrived, Elaine made me feel welcome.  By the time I turned off of I-85 onto 80 to get to The Woods, I called to make sure the GPS was not misleading me and that it was 8 miles from where I was and where to turn.  It was raining at that point and I hate driving in the rain, especially in the motorhome.  She knew exactly where I was and told me all the things I was seeing and going to see on the way and exactly when to get into the turn lane and what I would see when it was time to turn.  This was very reassuring to me being as tired as I was after driving all day and her friendly welcome was even more appreciated.

Elaine said it all when I thanked her for her kindness and told her how impressed I was with how they handled this tornado scare and how they were handling their business.  She  said, “We just treat people the way we want to be treated.”  Thanks, y’all!

There are other places to enter the trail, including from the Beechwood Campground, but I parked at the Hamlin Beach House and started on the path here, past where you can rent canoes, paddleboats, kayaks and rowboats.

I took the first option to the right that skirts Lost Lake on the left and Hamlin Lake on the right.  At this point it’s easy boardwalk walking with just a few steps.  The loop I took is about 1.5 miles total, but as always, it took me much longer than what people usually say it takes.  One couple said they did it in 45 minutes - I left the car at 12:30 and didn’t make it back there until 2:45!

But there are just so many neat places to stop and sit on benches and gaze out onto scenes like these little islands.  I can’t ever just keep walking – I like to linger and truly soak in the beauty of these type of surroundings.  And I usually end up stopping and talking to people along the way as we compare notes about our favorite spots.  I’m not in a race to get through in the fastest time, and these type of things add so much to my enjoyment of walks like this.

These three people looked like they were having so much fun as I could hear them laughing and paddling!

Across the lake you can barely make out the boardwalk that runs alongside the Beechwood Campground – nice sites there with easy access to this and other paths.

This family of swans added a touch of elegance to the rustic setting among the reeds.

I enjoyed watching these kayakers go under this bridge – that white blip in the front of the woman’s kayak in the back is a little dog who looked like he was enjoying the ride also!

I really liked how you could walk right out to the tip of an island and be surrounded by water and the remaining fall colored scenery.

The trail is not all boardwalk, but the shady paths add to the diversity and enjoyment.

I really enjoyed this spot with the many different colored fall trees.  This is most definitely not a trail to be missed when you’re lucky enough to be at Ludington State Park!

There are so many other things I loved about this park – other trails including walking beachside to the Big Sable Point Lighthouse and the Skyline Trail, the dam where I got a kick out of watching the salmon fishing, and the town of Ludington and Pentwater.  I’m trying to catch up with my writing about this and previous parks, but there are just so many things, it’s been hard enough just to see as much as I could possibly see, much less write about them!

But I’m still having fun doing both and would really appreciate hearing tips from readers about their own experiences here and in other MI state parks…

I’m back at Traverse City State Park  just in time for the 6th Annual Harvest Festival this weekend! People are starting to decorate their sites and it’s fun watching. Fall is a big deal in Michigan and I’m happy to be here for this!

Oh, and according to the DNR website, one of the “treats” is a haunted bathroom – I think I’ve seen a few of those in my RVing lifetime already – at least I’ve seen a few frightful ones – LOL!

This is the first one I saw last night. The combo of Halloween lights and fun, fall tree colors and the yummy smell of pine is fantastic!

Remember PacMan? This is Pac-Pumpkin!

Here lies Mr. Buzz’ard Lips and Here Lies Mr. Crusty Head-Bread ???

I think I’ve had spiders this big in my RV before!  It looks like he’s being fed…

These people went all out with the decorations!

I love their “Mothman” entrance – or that’s what these eyes reminded me of from when I ‘met’ him at Point Pleasant, WV!

Mummy Mothman?

Some of these guys are animated – the guy in the wagon pops out of the box, the guy driving the pumpkin turns his head back and forth – so great!

Sunday, 10/16/11

Thankfully, the weather forecast for rain and wind all weekend didn’t turn out that way.  With all the big blow-up decorations, I had visions of scary things flying off and all around!

In my 10 years of fulltime RVing, I’ve never seen almost an entire park decorate and get into the spooky spirit of the season so much - I heard this year was the biggest turnout ever.

These guys are already ready for Christmas with their special spooky tree!

A way cool witch and Phantom of the Opera (which was animated and played music)

Mummy Mash Unit?  A little over the top with the blood perhaps?

A couple of my neighbors seem to have had a hard time keeping their heads!

Spider webs were draped through a lot of trees – really gave the entire campground a surreal spooky feel, especially after dark mixed with the campfire smoke and lighted decorations.

And ahhh, the night was thick with the sights and smell of free french fries! 

  This was one of my favorite areas – these guys even had a fog-making machine to add to the effects!

The Roubal family site was way cool but they didn’t win the “Best of Show” award…

For the 4th year, this compound won that title!  I have to admit, that ghoul rising from the grave (animated) really kinda creeped me out!    Steve & Barb are from Ypsilanti and come here every year with their boys, Christian and David.  They won 2 free nights of camping and a citronella candle in case mosquitoes try to camp with them.

Everyone enjoyed the DNR’s haunted bathroom!  When the coffin lid was raised, it also raised the deadhead!  I got a kick out of the little boy watching his sister being beheaded – he was sooo unconcerned!

I didn’t envy the DNR judges their duties as they pondered the choices - so many great sites and costumes!  There were different categories for ages, individuals and groups.  Some of the winners are shown above:  the blue guy, the Twister game girl, a witch in drag, animal control, a lunatic in straightjacket, yellow princess, kangaroo, Spy vs. Spy guy, brocolli girl, and hippie guy.  I think it was the brocolli who won first prize, but people were laughing saying they thought she was a loofa pad!

But the winner of the little kids was my favorite…the little boy at the top left was a ‘S’mores’ and he was eating one – so appropriate for a campground festival! Michael Jackson and others pictured are some of my own personal favs!

Other kids that cracked me up:  top left – we have an undercover cop (Sean, age 10), a psycho-surgeon (Joe, age 12), a robber (Ethan, age 6), and the little girl in the pink bathrobe and fashionable hair curlers is 7 year old Rebecca, who is a “hilbilly housewife” – LOL!  Little boys as action heroes and sports stars, little girls as princesses and fairies, southern belles and gypsies – loved them all!

In the groups category, we had winners with caterpillar families, bee keepers, and Wizard of Oz (with sleepy Toto).

But my favorite was this ghostly group who drove 4 hours from the Ann Arbor area.  They were a real hoot strolling through the campground with their ghooly boos!  Their site was all decorated with hanging ghosts, too – such a fun group!

I really enjoyed watching the families have fun – and the guy in the orange shirt got my prize for the most honesty!  I had fun talking to this guy – when I remarked that I was glad the rain had stopped in time for the festival, he replied, “You can never tell about MI weather – you just have to be prepared, but basically just ‘cowboy up’ and enjoy yourself!”

Right down the street from me was another of my favorites who took the cake in more ways than one – she was also celebrating her 50th birthday!  She was dressed as Paula Dean, complete with 2 pounds of butter in a bowl, going around asking if anyone wanted some of her fried butter – loved her!

Other than when my own kids were little, I had more fun this Halloween than any other I remember watching the little kids parade around trick or treating!

They also had a pumpkin carving contest by age category:

The adult winner was this “Pumpkin Pooper” complete with toilet paper hanging from his branches – LOL!

In the 12 and under – without adult help – precious Sofia won with her little pumpkin family in a bus.  Underneath are more of my adult favorites – angry bird, an amazing sculpture of Snow White, and KISS.

But my all around favorite pumpkin was this one – Pick Michigan.

I was honored to meet Keith J. Charters - Traverse City State Park was dedicated with his name on July 21 this year in appreciation for his dedication and service on the Board of Michigan’s Natural Resource Trust Fund (which facilitates buying private land for public recreational use) and for his past chairmanship of the Natural Resource Commission for 16 years.  Such a gracious and generous man – I really enjoyed my chat with him and learning more about Michigan people’s commitment to their great state’s amazing natural resources.

But I have to say, everyone’s favorite site – having nothing to do with decorations or pumpkins – was the site with the “Hitch Fries.”

The line to get the free French fries offered never stopped until all 211 pounds of potatoes were fried and handed out.

They were a fabulously fun group: Tony & Melissa Romanowski (the kettle cooker in chef’s hat and his condiment, ketchup), Chris & Dawn Halleck (Samurai guy and football lady), David Bieganowski and Sue Tock (Sonny & Cher) with her daughter, Kate, the kitty cat.  Not only did they feed the crowd, but the “entertainment” was fun, too.  As a mostly Polish group, they’d yell “Dupa!” when a batch went from the fryers to the bowls – the “Hitch Fry Samurai” hacked at them with his sword sometimes and the “Ketchup Bottle Lady” lived up to her duties and kept the ketchup flowing.  They really had it together with 3 huge kettles going all at once.

I was impressed that this group (many former Marines and law enforcement) take the initiative to do this and pay for it themselves (with some help from donations).  They said they put it together and camp with a group of about 16 others to enjoy the positive atmosphere of this kind of family event.  They’ve been here for 4 years now and said they used to have candy and french fries, but the candy was passed up for the fries, so now they only do fries and make more and more every year.  Last year they did 115 pounds, and this year there was still a line after going through 211 pounds!

They call their week-long camping get togethers “Dupa Dome” and its only purpose is “to bring together co-workers, friends and family for a week of nothing but fun!”

Oh, and as another weird Michigan coincidence: I found out that Sue Tock (dressed as Cher) is an artist and designer who did my favorite pumpkin pictured above - Pick Michigan!  Part of that project’s goal is to promote agri-tourism in Michigan and to boost the Michigan economy by purchasing Michigan-made products.  She has bumper stickers, cards and clothing available with that beautiful design at Sue Tock Designs.  Such a cool group – more MI people I’m so glad I met!

Happy Halloween to all!

I intended to leave Indian Lake tomorrow so I could be at Traverse City at least a day before my daughter arrived from Austin to join me for our long-awaited week exploring that part of Michigan together.

Insert here the saying about best laid intentions…and all that crap…you’ll remember it later. 

Because this post is not really about Fayette Historic State Park.  I’m way behind in writing about places I’ve been months ago, so it’s only because of my intentions being waylaid that I’m compelled to write about it tonight. But I’m going to take you into the park with me a little bit in order to set the stage for the unintentional part.

I made it to Fayette at about 12:30, wasn’t yet hungy, so went in to visitor’s center/gift shop to see what all they had and started talking to this great lady working there, Karen. I got the map, but I told her not to let me buy anymore souvenirs because I already had enough and living in an RV I had to be careful about room, not to mention weight.  I really didn’t intend to buy anything…

…So after carrying $60 of heavy stuff I bought back to the car (including another book that I swore I wouldn’t buy anymore of), I headed off for my “quick” tour of the historic site.

I knew from the DNR website that “Fayette Historic State Park houses a Historic Townsite, a representation of a once bustling industrial community.”  OK, great – I always enjoy historic stuff and recreations of different periods.  I had heard other people tell me it was their favorite park.  But like so many other things I’d heard about sights I’d seen in Michigan, it wasn’t until I stepped onto the grounds and saw it for myself did I really understand the attraction!

And as soon as I walked into the main complex, I knew my “quick” tour was going to be about as quick as Gilligan’s Island’s 3 hour tour.

Wow!!! was my first reaction as I walked down the path.  This shot is just a brief overview of some of the main buildings and ruins preserved here.  And besides the totally cool historic buildings – the way the complex was laid out – the whole feel of the place was just great.  I was actually a bit overwhelmed at this point - I really hadn’t expected this much!

And then I started seeing past the buildings to the scenery behind them…

Take a look at this bluff – with the bonus of treetips just starting to turn colors…

I could see some DNR folks working and it turned out to be Randy Brown, the Park Supervisor, and Brenda Laakso, the Site Historian, getting ready for the annual Fall Fest to be held on October 1.  I so enjoyed meeting them and visiting for a while, but by the end of the day I wondered if Randy wouldn’t have rather me skipped his park altogether…

But at that point, I continued to enjoy the scenery and resting spots…

I was definitely getting hungrier by this time because I really hadn’t intended to be here so long…

But I was enjoying it all so much I just didn’t want to stop and besides that, I was also meeting some really nice people along the way…

This couple was from eastern MI, have also RV’d, and I enjoyed talking with them so much and was so touched by their stories that we exchanged cards and I took their picture, which they gave me permission for.   I won’t use their names because I forgot to ask for that, but this “chance” encounter came to mean a lot to me later in the day…

But for now, I was again passing by my favorite building, the old hotel, intending to go back to the car for a soda and snack:

Nearby I saw Randy again and when he asked if I wanted to see the upstairs part not yet open to the public, I jumped at that chance!

It was so interesting to see and hear what they’re working so hard to accomplish here against a lot of adverse conditions, financial considerations not being the least of them, of course.

But again, this post is really not about how beautiful and fascinating Fayette State Park is – although it is certainly that and more - but my intent here is to write about what happened when I was finally trying to leave it.

Best intentions…and all that crapola…

So it wasn’t until about 4:30 that I was going back to the car for my snack, although I was starving by this point.  But I was going to make do with peanut butter crackers and a soda while driving around the campground which I hadn’t seen yet, then come back to do the bluff walk.

That’s when I realized my keys weren’t in the compartment of my fanny pack where I always put them when I’m touring.  I got into the car using the key pad on the door and started going through all the compartments of my fanny pack – then went through the car – went through the jacket I was wearing – emptied everything out of the fanny pack and went through the car again.  No keys!

Went back to the gift shop where Karen and Randy were getting ready to close, told them what happened.  Karen looked around the shop, Randy had another trio of state workers start searching around the complex.

“Where all did you go, Malia?”

“Everywhere – in every building – down every trail except the bluff.”

Oh, goody…

I took off to retrace my route exactly, but of course there wasn’t time to go through every building and room again, so I just concentrated on the trails.  Randy went to one of the other ranger stations to see if anyone turned them in there.  Along the way, I met the couple from east Michigan above again, and they went back to where we had met to see if I had dropped them there when we exchanged cards.

By the time I had made the entire trail loop again, they and other people I had met along the way were still looking for my keys!  When we were all back at the parking lot figuring the keys weren’t going to turn up tonight, I won’t go into all the fun trying to get ahold of my insurance company – and roadside assistance – and Ford – about how to get another key for my car that would actually start it.  The valet key I had (back at the RV of course) didn’t work to actually start the car and don’t get me started on the illogicalness of that one…

So this was my only car key and my RV keys were also on that lost ring.  I had extra RV keys in the RV, but what to do about the car key now or how to get into the RV when I get there?

The east MI couple were right beside me as I was making all these calls and she would hug me every now and then and tell me to just stay calm and everything was going to be alright.  Have I told you how much I appreciate all these angels that are brought into my life just when I need them?  Remember Bruce from when my axle fell off in Sault Ste. Marie?

Finally, the upshot was that Ford roadside assistance arranged with the local Ford dealer to have the car towed which was the only way they could make another key – something about the anti-theft mechanism and the computer – whatever…can this get anymore complicated???  Uh, yes – of course it was after closing by that time, so the earliest this could be done was tomorrow morning at 9:00.  They’d come tow the car now, but the key couldn’t be done until then.

When speaking to the local Ford dealer, he asked me if I was alone with my car and if I was going to need a ride somewhere.  I looked around me and saw 7 people who had just spent at least an hour looking for my keys – the couple from east MI, the 3 state workers (Cassie, Jordan and Aaron), Randy and Karen.  I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer at that point – not because I was upset about this unintentional turn of events (although I most definitely was not amused) – but because those 7 faces all looked like glowing angels to me at that point.  Their concern and caring shown in their faces toward me and the tears were about that relief – that I wasn’t alone and I had help.  I knew it was after hours, they were all tired and were ready to go home.  I wish I would have had the presence of mind to take their picture as they were by me – I’m willing to bet they would have all shown halos on the photo!

Randy arranged with Cassie, who was still on duty, to stay there at the Visitor’s Center to meet the Ford tow truck who couldn’t be there for 45 minutes.  In the meantime, it would take about the same amount of time to get me back to the motorhome at Indian Lake.  As soon as we had a cell phone signal, Randy called Pat, who was on duty at Indian Lake to find out if there was a local locksmith who could get me in the RV.  I couldn’t remember if I had left one of the larger sliding windows unlocked or not.

But when we got here, I could see that one was open, so Randy pulled his truck back so that I could climb up from the tailgate.  It worked!

By that time, Pat arrived at the RV, and we were laughing at it all and I had him take a picture of how Randy had gotten me in the window.

I needed more help and height than just the tailgate, so Randy had to give me a lift.  When he was recreating this, I told him not to look like he was lifting an elephant -  but I kinda think he’s faking a hernia look here, don’t you? 

Just another day for the DNR!

Yeah, it was all grins then, and I really am so grateful for everything all those wonderful people (really angels) did to help me out.  I do know it will all work out - and hard as it is to accept, I do believe all things happen for a higher purpose whether we believe it or not – but I’m feeling pretty wrung out about now.

When I was apologizing to Randy for the umpteenth time for all the trouble I was causing, he kept assuring me it really was not a big deal and he shared some of his own experiences of things that truly were a big deal to prove his point.

I was especially touched by a comment he made that went something like: “Part of our job is to be here to help people have fun – and sometimes just to help people period.”  Pretty profound, Randy!  And I still can’t find the words to thank you enough.  And tomorrow morning someone from Indian Lake is going to drive me all the way to the Ford dealer to get my car.

I’ll see how long that all takes in the morning and if I feel like driving all the way to Traverse City after that.  I kinda doubt it at this point.  I have one more day before I absolutely have to be there to meet Angelique, so I may just catch my breath tomorrow and go see the Big Spring – which was all I really intended to do as a “must do” today anyway…

I wanted to document this unusual, unintentional day, and I’ve certainly learned some lessons from it.  But I’m too tired to list all of them right now.  I’m just grateful that I am still blessed with miracles and angels all along my path…

P.S.  I don’t know if this link will work to the Facebook comments I’m getting from friends, but they’re cracking me up!

Update 9/21/11:  

This experience at least gifted me with yet another meeting with a fantastic Park Ranger, Jamie Anderson, when she drove me in to Manistique to the Ford dealer.  It’s always so interesting to me to meet the people who live and work in these beautiful (yet to me – remote – settings).

Anyway, the Ford guy said due to the computer programming, etc., they couldn’t make just one key – they had to make two.  Each key with the remote would be $135 – Yikes!  It’s just one of the many things I don’t understand, but that’s the way it is.  The only choice I had was to get one key with the remote fob and one “standard” key that would start the car but with no remote features.  So I went with that and $212.00 later, I was on the road with my new keys.

By that time I was in no mood to drive all the way to Traverse City, so I decided to go see the Big Spring at Palms Book State Park and the soothing colors of the clear water there helped heal me, I think.

I then stopped for lunch at a great little restaurant/bar in nearby town of Cooks called “Sidetracks.”  I met the owner, Mona, and discovered we had a lot in common.  I like my hamburgers small, thin and practically burnt – and I don’t eat seafood.  Her restaurant is famous for its fish- it won Fox UPs Top Choice as the UP’s Best Friday Fish fry this year, and she doesn’t eat seafood, either!  When I gave her my card and told her I was traveling around this summer writing about Michigan State Parks, she said, “Oh, yes, I know – I saw the article about you in my local newspaper.”  I felt famous – LOL!

After that, I decided to go see the Fayette Campground, since I was so rudely interrupted from that yesterday. When I stopped in to see Karen again, she told me a lady came practically running in with my keys this afternoon thinking somebody had just lost them today and would be frantic in the parking lot.  Karen told her that was the lady from Texas yesterday. 

But I’m off for Traverse City tomorrow and looking forward to a fun-filled week with my daughter!